Hope Doesn't Have to Mean “Everything Will Be Okay”

“Don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay.”

I’ve said this a million times to friends, family members, colleagues who were worried about something. Because when someone we care about is facing something difficult, we want to take away their fear. We want to reassure them. We want to give them something hopeful to hold onto. Our intentions are good!

But the truth is, we rarely actually know that everything is going to be okay. We know what we’re hoping will happen. We know what we want for the person we care about. But we can’t promise an outcome we can’t control.

So if you’ve taken an MHFA class with Cypress, you know that we often encourage people to think carefully about the reassurance they offer. We teach people to say, “No matter what happens, I’m here. We’ll get through this together.” The idea is that we aren’t promising that everything will go according to plan. We aren’t pretending to know the future. We’re offering something we can promise: our presence.

This is a distinction that is important when we talk about suicide this September, Suicide Prevention Month. When someone is experiencing intense emotional pain, the future can feel impossible to imagine. Sometimes the things we think of as hopeful, like “It will get better,” or “ Everything will work out,” or “You have so much to live for,” can feel empty when someone is struggling to believe they can make it through the next few hours.

This month is important because it's an opportunity to learn how to recognize when someone may be struggling; to become more comfortable having difficult conversations when you’re concerned about someone; and to know where to turn when someone needs more support than we can provide on our own. But maybe it can also be an opportunity to rethink what we mean when we talk about hope.

Remember, hope doesn't have to be a promise that everything will be okay.

Hope can be getting through tonight.

Hope can be letting someone sit beside you.

Hope can be making one phone call.

Hope can be postponing a decision until the intensity of the moment has passed.

Hope can be accepting help, even when you don't know what kind of help you need.

Hope can be discovering that a feeling that seemed unbearable can change.

And sometimes, hope can just mean being ok with not knowing how things will turn out.

You don't have to have a five-year plan, or to feel optimistic. You don't have to be convinced that tomorrow will be rainbows and sunshine and birds singing. Sometimes, you just need enough room to not make a permanent decision in the middle of an intensely painful moment.

We may not always be able to promise someone that they'll get the job, pass the test, recover from the loss, repair the relationship, find the right treatment, or wake up tomorrow feeling magically better. But we can remind them that this moment is not the only moment that will ever exist, and we can be there to support them through it.

We can say, “I don't know what happens next. But you don't have to face it alone.”

If you or someone you know is struggling or thinking about suicide, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You don't have to wait until you're in immediate danger to reach out. Support is available for people who are experiencing emotional distress, thinking about suicide, or even those of us who are supporters and don’t quite know what to say.